Becca Fullerton

the god of the mountain

2012-01-04T17:13:00.001-08:00

One of my parents' dear friends is dying of brain cancer.

He found out this last spring and there isn't anything left to be done.

My mom and I took dinner to his family tonight.

We know that death is a part of life, is in many ways essential to life.

But you walk into their home, and see the man you know, your parents' friend, smart and kind and strong.

You see his shaved head and his frail body, hands shaking,

and his eyes, the sharpness almost gone, but still so full of kindness,

hear his whispered, earnest voice.

He asks how I'm doing. I return the question.

It seems like the wrong thing to ask, but what do you say? What words fill this?

You watch his wife, cleaning, cooking, selling his car,

carrying out the tasks of the everyday in the midst of such pain.

You see his boys, home for the holidays,

they're here till Saturday; they know they're here to say goodbye to their dad.

And here we are, strangers to them, witnesses to their grief,

carrying pot pie, Mark's favorite.

You see all this, and something breaks.

This isn't how it's supposed to go.

We lament the unfairness of it all,

even though death is perhaps the most fair thing in life.

We know it has to happen, but here? now? to these people?

We know somewhere deep that this isn't what we were meant for.

So what do we do with it? with the pain? the brokenness?

I leave their house, and walk down the steps to my car.

I hug my mom. I hold her. I tell her I love her.

Because what is death for if we do not remember that we have only so much life?

What is the purpose of the tearing away if it doesn't remind us that we should hold them while we can? That we are entitled to none of this. That all is a gift.

And we get in the car and we share tears and we sing How Great is Our God.

We remember that he is here with us. And with Mark. And with his family.

And my mom tells me that Mark had wanted to go to Colorado one last time,

had wanted to see the mountains again.

And I remember this quote, so dearly resonant:

For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back.
All my life the God of the Mountain has been wooing me.
Oh look up once at least before the end and wish me joy.
I am going to my lover.
-C.S. Lewis

We are leaving Christmas.

The time of Joy to the World, Peace on Earth.

Joy and peace...so easy surrounded by family and twinkle lights.

May it be found in this as well.

above the ashes

2011-12-14T13:08:00.000-08:00

After Paradise

Don’t run any more. Quiet. How softly it rains

On the roofs of the city. How perfect

All things are. Now, for the two of you

Waking up in a royal bed by a garret window.

For a man and a woman. For one plant divided

Into masculine and feminine which longed for each other.

Yes, this is my gift to you. Above the ashes

On a bitter, bitter earth. Above the subterranean

Echo of clamorings and vows. So that now at dawn

You must be attentive: the tilt of a head,

A hand with a comb, two faces in a mirror

Are only forever once, even if unremembered,

So that you watch what it is, though it fades away,

And are grateful every moment for your being.

Let that little park with greenish marble busts

In the pearl-gray light, under a summer drizzle,

Remain as it was when you opened the gate.

And the street of tall peeling porticos

Which this love of yours suddenly transformed.

by Czeslaw Milosz

This is my favorite poem. I want it read at my wedding someday. I read it for the first time this summer and was so taken with it that I wrote it down and framed it and it now hangs in my living room.

I love the way it demands rest, peace, attentiveness.

Don't run anymore. Be Quiet.

I have given you this gift of each other. You only have this one moment, so cherish it.

Because everything can change so quickly.

Thankful Wednesday

2011-12-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

I am having a hard time being thankful right now. I'm stressed and really just sad and confused a lot of the time. So in honor of one of my favorite blogs mamamonk I'm making a thankful list.

In two days, I will be done with classes. One week and four finals after that, this horrible semester will finally, finally be over.
Since my parents are now in Abilene with me, I get to go over to their apartment and stay up studying with them which somehow seems so much nicer than studying in my house.
Jimmy Stewart. I'm thankful for his voice and magnificent portrayal of George Bailey, and his general Jimmy-Stewartness.
My wonderful roommate who listens to me talk and talk and talk because she knows I need that to process everything that's going on in my life right now.
The Lewis' who invite us into their wonderful Christmasy home every Sunday and take care of us and make us feel loved.
The beautiful softness of waking up to snow-yes, snow!-Monday morning. I know God probably didn't make it snow just for me, but maybe he did.
I get to go home next week.
I get to go home next week.
I'll be done with school next week.
This semester is almost over...in like a week.

And now I have to go back to studying Analytical Chemistry. I can make it.

What are we seeking?

2011-09-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

I would like to start this posting by noting that I am purposefully posting this on a forum where I know very few people will see it. I have made sure it's not connected to my facebook and such. I am not trying to offend anyone; I just sometimes find it easier to let go of an issue after I write it out and, as Kathleen Kelly says, "I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void." So if this offends you, please stop reading.

Pledging season begins on my campus tonight, and this year, my little sister will be a pledge in one of my school's social clubs. This has been rather difficult for me to see, more so than I thought it would be. And I've been trying to sort through all of my emotions about it. I know that some of my hurt feelings come from simple rejection. And some come from petty jealousy that once again my sister was picked, and I was not. But I know those feelings aren't good. Nor are they Christian. And though it's hard to realize that the very girls who decided they did not want to get to know me will now be some of my sister's closest friends, I would never wish to deny my sister the right to join in this tradition just because I can't.

And yet, there are other feelings I have sitting in chapel looking around at all the people in their matching outfits that are completely impersonal. There is an uneasiness I feel about club that has little to do with me. I wonder about these organizations that call themselves Christian. (I am not criticizing the faith of any of the inidividuals. Many people I love dearly were in and are in club and I know that they take their faith very seriously, but I am speaking of the organization as a whole).

Can they really claim that their clubs actively live out the call of Christ? They have names like Alpha and Omega and Seek Through Christ. But what are they seeking? It seems to me that the primary goal of these groups is friendship and community. So is that what they're seeking? Are they searching for true friendship through the lens of Christ? Because I guess I feel like that community would look very different from the one I see in purple t-shirts walking around campus. Wouldn't a community centered on Christ seek out the outcasts and the losers and the shy people and the weirdos? I don't think Jesus's friends were ever classified as cool.

From the outside, and I admit I am an outsider, it seems that it is about friendship based on a whole host of factors that have nothing to do with Christ. From what I can tell, every fall a group of people get together in a room and pull up pictures of people they have had maybe one conversation with and they talk about whether or not they want to be friends with this person. I have no idea what goes into these conversations, but I know what comes out of them. A group of pretty, funny, out going girls who probably don't need any help finding friends. Is that what a Christian community looks like?

I don't really think so. Last summer I was talking to the kids in my youth group about what I love about church. And I said that the great thing about church is that it's the only place in our culture where you aren't supposed to get to pick your friends. I've heard it said that true community is always the place where your least favorite person lives. And that's what Christian community should be. Ideally it's where the entertainers hang out with the losers. And people who know all the latest fashion trends sit beside someone with a mullet who wears ratty t-shirts and crocs. And the wealthiest in society befriend those who will never make more than minimum wage. It's where they are brought together by a belief that supersedes all the superficial crap that our society cares about. When you seek community through Christ you wind up uncomfortable in a really good way. You love people you don't really want to talk to and you are loved by people you wouldn't normally pick.

This is why I have such a problem with clubs. They aren't about community. They are about exclusivity. Because let's face it, they wouldn't work if anyone was allowed to join. And they are about division. One guy talking about club said, "Our club is better than all the others because we don't walk around bashing other clubs and thinking we're better than them."...Does no one else hear the disconnect? It's all about who's better than who and who's in and who's not.

Now please don't get me wrong. I have several friends in club. There are good people almost everywhere and I'm not upset that I didn't get into one. I have loving friends and a great church and I love my life, but I feel for all the kids who heard the message this week that said, "You can seek through Christ with someone else, because we don't want you. You aren't good/nice/smart/pretty/outgoing/whatever enough." I have finally come to the place where I'm grateful I didn't get in. Because I have learned finally to accept who God has made me. I will never be good in a setting where I have to force a conversation with a whole bunch of people who I don't know with the sole purpose of impressing them. But I can share my life with teenagers one on one and let them know that I love them. And I can care for the people in my church. And I can try to love the people I come across the best I can.

I know that this post won't change anything, but I hope that one day we can become like the little girl in Max Lucado's children's book who wouldn't put labels on the people around her based on their performance and she wouldn't let their opinions stick to her, because she knew who's opinion she sought.

I will simply love.

2011-05-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

Love is patient.

Love is kind...

Love is a cup of hot tea and warm conversation.

Love is holding your roommate when she wakes you up in the middle of the night.

Love is making time for lunch during the busiest time of the year.

Love is dropping everything to pick someone up.

Love is a new coat given for no reason.

Love is listening patiently to the same conversation 18 times.

Love is honesty even when it is hard to hear and hard to say.

Love is changing a lightbulb.

Love is a text just to let someone know they matter.

Love is an open office door.

Love is passing along a book.

Love is letting someone do the dishes.

Love is giving wisdom and advice.

Love is keeping your advice to yourself.

Love is buying yourself flowers.

Love is a hug and a smile and a held hand and a pat on the back and a kiss on the top of the head.

Love is coffee and a long drive.

Love is sharing your own story.

Love is listening to someone else's.

Love is a note of encouragement left in your mailbox.

Love is a cloud of witnesses and a blanket of prayer.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It does not envy. It does not boast.

It is not proud. It is not rude.

It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, it believes all things,

It hopes all things, it endures all things.

Love never falters.

A New Beginning

2011-04-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

I had once dreamt that this blog would be the place where I would soon post emphatically excited engagement pictures, and where I would chronicle my life with David, our wedding, our vacations, our children. But now it seems it will be a chronicle of my healing; the story of a journey I did not choose, but which I will try to walk as gracefully and lovingly and honestly as possible.

This morning, when I arrived at the realization that my relationship was over, I decided to make a list of why I would be okay. (Lists comfort me. They make me feel secure.) I made this list in the back of a book my sister gave me the night before. And it went something like this:

I am beloved & held by God.

I am strong.

I am beautiful.

I am smart.

I am faithful.

I am competent alone.

I have a loving family.

I have the mountains as a refuge.

I have a beautiful church family & the opportunity to care for others this summer in Houston.

I have options.

I have music & books that stir my soul.

I have beautiful (albeit painful) memories.

I have dear, encouraging, loving friends.

I refuse to tarnish my memory of our relationship by focusing on the negatives.

I have been loved by a good man & I will be again.

I will be okay.

It is my mantra of sorts, at least for now. And for now, in this moment, I feel a very strange and unexpected peace. Yes, there is pain, and yes, I have moments of feeling angry and betrayed by the man who just a week ago was telling me he planned to spend the rest of his life with me. And yes, I expect that there will be many painful moments to come before the clouds clear and I can feel whole again, but for now, I will enjoy this reprieve.

I shared this with a friend of mine and after a moment she told me how very proud she was of me. That the girl who graduated from high school three years ago would not have been able to make that list. She would have been swallowed up by the torturous thoughts of her unworthiness. It is a wonderful moment to realize, in the midst of so much hurt, that you are able to love yourself.

I credit some of this to David, not all of it, but our relationship changed me for the better in many ways and I am very thankful for it even as tears of the deepest grief fill my eyes. I deeply hope that I was able to do the same for him, at least in some small part.

And though I do not understand his reasons, I trust the man that I still love very deeply. I trust that he can see something that I can't yet, that he made this decision out of love and faith. More importantly I trust the God that holds and sustains me and who will walk beside me.

When I imagine my corporeal being (not my body, but my tangible...soul? that's not quite the right word, but it'll do), I imagine that in the very center buried very deep beneath all my qualities and eccentricities, there's this tiny fortress that holds the deepest, truest parts of me. It is the place that my most basic, most simple beliefs about God have taken up residence. It is the one thing that if taken away would change my being irrevocably.

And this tiny thing radiates throughout my being, almost like a light, healing and occasionally (often painfully) pushing out bits and pieces it deems unworthy. And sometimes it recognizes a bit of truth and it pulls that in tightly wraps it around the fortress, building up a network of protection; the things that my heart knows I can trust when the entire world seems to be crumbling.

In this web, anchored by God, is my belief that my family will never forsake me, that joy and light will be found even in the darkest moments of the soul, that we understand almost nothing about the Universe, that lying with beloved friends singing praises to God will always bring healing, that David and I, whatever our other faults, love(d) each other deeply and truly. And it is in this place that I have the knowledge that even though I woke up this morning with feeling that my chest had somehow collapsed over the empty space that once held my heart, I will be okay.

Christmas Break

2011-01-12T23:30:00.000-08:00

My favorite time of year has come and gone, full of joy, family, wonderful memories, good food, and even snow! :)

Right after we got back from school, we picked out our Christmas tree.

David, Anna, and I

Anna and I

He is such a goober. I love him.

Then we went to the Gaylord to see Charlie Brown in ICE!

This year we spent Christmas with my dad's side of the family. And it was just fabulously wonderful. We decided to forego family gifts and instead focus on games together. And aside from several members of my family (including me) being far too competitive, we had a great time.

One of the games we played in which we were given a jumbled mix of family events that we had to put in chronological order. It was so much harder than I though it would be (we didn't have a mom) but it was a lot of fun.

My cousin Jenny and precious little Jude. He got a horse from my grandparents and seemed to love it. He was just too cute.

Ultimately my team came in third, but we had so much fun. I blame it on the fact that I wasn't there for the Olympics portion of the activities. It was sadder than I thought it would be to miss it, but I got to spend some time with David's family so it was worth it. :)

I also got to spend some time in Tulsa.

Everyone hanging out after dinner.

David's precious grandparents with Cooper, their one year old Great Pyrenees.

And to top off a great break, David and his mom made a surprise trip to Dallas yesterday. Even though I was going to see him this weekend anyway, it was really wonderful to see him. We got to go to dinner last night, eat dinner at Pappasito's with his mom tonight, and hang out with a good friend of mine from high school. It was quite a blessing.

We are the super rich.

2010-09-25T20:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am stealing this title, but I don't mean it sarcastically.

I recently read a blog by the same name.

"Much is expected from those to whom much is given."

-C.S. Lewis

This man apparently makes more than $250,000 a year and is deeply concerned about the increase in taxes that is due to take place at the end of this year. His point is that he's not a millionaire and his family is barely getting by... which I'm sure is true, and therefore all the more disturbing. Sadly, I understand his anger. My family is in a similar tax bracket. And when I was younger, it frustrated me when we were called the "wealthiest Americans." I didn't feel all that wealthy.

I live in a country where the standard of living is so high that I don't "feel" rich living on more money per year than many people will see in their lifetime, where a man feels the need to sit down at his computer and blog about the injustice he is suffering because his children's private school, and his "University community" home, and his wife's $250,000 school loans, and their cars, cell phones, daycare, nanny, insurance, and cable tv (which importantly does not include movie channels) can't be covered by their income if his taxes are increased.

He makes me angry, but I can't really blame just him. I frequently catch myself saying things like "I can't. I'm poor" when invited to a movie. Which really means "I can't. I've already been out to eat five times this month, I need to buy more groceries, and I just got myself a new pair of shoes, so it's not in the budget... at least not till my parents send me more money next month."

I'm frustrated by this country and by my own complete lack of perspective. I'm frustrated that we are so far removed from the poor that we could dare call ourselves by that name. I'm frustrated that I am really, really excited that the Ranger's are going to the playoffs, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't. We care so much and we pay them so much and none of it matters at all. I am frustrated that we can have two headlines in the same newscast that say "The poor in America are starving" and "Obesity is costing us billions" and no one seems to see how wrong that is.

Mostly I'm frustrated that I still want so much. I want my iPhone. I want new shoes. I want a kitchen filled with William-Sonoma cookware. I want to go see the Rangers when they win the world series.

How can we have so much and still not be satisfied?

"When a man is getting better, he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him."

-C.S. Lewis

"You don't realize how enslaved they are to the pressure of the ordinary."

-Screwtape

"You want something and do not have it; so you commit murder.

And you covet something and cannot obtain it; so you engage in disputes and conflicts.

You do not have, because you do not ask.

And you do not receive, because you ask wrongly,

in order to spend what you get on your pleasures.

Adulterers, do you not see that friendship with the world is enmity with God?"

-James 4:2-4

Out with the old

2010-08-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

A new school year has officially begun. It's so weird to think of what I was doing this time last year. I never knew my life and my goals could change so much in one year. :)

Anyway, I have what has to be the best schedule I've yet had.

MWF I start the day with Beginner Spanish, which I haven't actually been to yet since half my classes were cancelled today for the inauguration of ACU's new president. But I've wanted to learn Spanish for years and hopefully when (if) I go to Guatemala this year, I'll actually be able to carry on a basic conversation.

Then I go to Animal Physiology. I've heard great things about this professor and I've decided I like him with what information I've gathered from the one hour I spent in his class.

Then I go to Seminar in Adolescent Moral/Sexual Issues. Another class that was cancelled today, but I've heard excellent things about.

Then we come to what I feel will be the highlight of my Monday/Wednesdays; the Intensive Track Greek Readings Class. One day and I can't wait to pull out my Novum Testamentum Graece... :) All six of us in this class are going to have a great time. And I think Dr. Thompson will be one of my all-time favorite professors, again after having known him for an hour and a half.

Tomorrow will be Ethics with Randy Harris-how could it NOT be good? and Spanish lab.

Then Physiology lab on Thursday.

That along with my part-time job and the 8th grade class at Highland should make for a perfectly wonderful, if not stress free, semester. :)

All about me.

2010-07-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

100 things about me:

1. I'm in my house alone and I decided to go through my cousin's blog because I'm not tired enough to go to bed, but I need to do something to distract me from the fact that I'm in my house alone. And she did one of these a long time ago and it seemed like fun.

2. I never slept alone in any place until college. I hate it. I could never live alone.

3. I love writing things about myself. Narcissistic much? Haha.

4. I've decided I will be a great house-wife someday, because I love cleaning, almost as much as I love cooking.

5. I love babies. All of them. David teases me for the face I make when I'm looking at babies. I never knew I made a face.

6. My boyfriend's name is David. I love him very, very much.

7. My younger sister is my very best friend. I know she didn't really want to come to ACU, but I'm thrilled she's gonna be here.

8. I love watching the director's commentary on movies. I watched one once because I didn't want to get out of bed to change the DVD and discovered they're really interesting.

9. I went to South America this summer and discovered that even though I had a great time, I have absolutely no desire to live abroad.

10. I. Love. Christmas. I can't even explain how much I love it; family time and lights and gifts and cold and 'It's a Wonderful Life' and cookies shaped like Santa....

11. On that note, I think my favorite time of the year is getting together with all my cousins and aunts and uncles. I know it has to end sometime, but I'm gonna be really sad when it does.

12. Cleaning dishes and folding laundry are great de-stressors for me.

13. Gift-giving is really stressful for me. I always give gift cards or money if I can get away with it. I always feel like someone's going to judge how much I care about them by how well I do at picking out a gift for them. Haha. But I was really thrilled about what I got David for his birthday.

I just had to include a picture. :)

14. If I could be anywhere right now I'd be in Estes Park, Colorado. My family goes there almost every summer. It feels like a second home.

15. I was once approached by a talent agent. I think it's pretty hilarious, myself. But it's a fun little fact.

16. I don't like Valentine's Day very much. I feel like a bad girl for saying that but it's just never appealed to me...I mean I certainly appreciated the flowers and candy :) but still.

17. Hospitals are really comforting places for me. I think it's because growing up, I'd go up there to see my dad and visit his patients.

18. I'm a very cautious person.

19. I have never broken a bone, had stitches, or passed out. (see #18)

20. We've decided not to get cable in our house and I'm actually really happy about it. I'm reading more and I can still watch all the stuff I really want to see online.

21. My favorite hymn is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I especially love listening to the Sufjan Stevens version.

22. I just learned how to sew and it's so much fun. I made three pillows!

23. My all time favorite book is 'Mere Christianity.'

24. I enjoy watching the news. I like to be informed. I usually watch the ABC and NBC nightly news and 'The Daily Show.' Plus, I just started getting the 'Sunday NY Times.'

25. Baseball and soccer are my favorite sports. I especially love summer Ranger's games.

26. I'm not great at picking up on signals. ie. David liked me for almost a year before we dated.

27. I went on my first date when I was 15, to see 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.' It was incredibly awkward. Haha.

28. I cry a lot. Happy. Sad. Angry. I don't like it, but I can't really help it.

29. Lately, all I want to eat is a toasted bagel with peanut butter. Delicious.

30. I love cold weather.

31. I also love snow.

32. I wish I was skiing right now. It's wonderful.

33. I don't do well with small children in large groups. I don't know what to do with them.

34. I am incredibly shy. I try not to be, because sometimes it comes across as snobbish, but I'm just really nervous with new people.

35. I love my curly hair. When I was younger all I wanted to do was straighten it, but I've learned to appreciate it.

36. I thought I wanted to be a journalist until I realized that I don't enjoy politics.

37. I really love surprises; both being surprised and surprising other people.

38. I had braces for 6 years. I still occasionally have nightmares about having them put back on.

39. I have absolutely zero desire to tan.

40. I love driving in Dallas at night when there's almost no one on the highway.

41. I started taking Greek this last year and love it. It's so fascinating and I love being able to read the NT in Greek.

42. But I should have studied more this summer, because I don't remember nearly as much as I thought I would.

43. I love board games and card games. David and I are still undefeated at Spades.

44. If you start a movie after about 8, there is no way I will stay awake all the way through it.

45. I always wear sunglasses when I'm driving. I started a couple years ago and now the sun just feels to bright without them .

46. I hate confrontation. I can't even watch people argue on television.

47. I want a big, cuddly dog someday.

48. I know I'm not at all ready, but I can not wait to have kids.

49. The older I get, the more I appreciate my parents. They are so wonderful.

50. I have a new obsession with yellow.

51. Target beats Wal-Mart. Always.

52. I hate soda.

53. I love road trips. They've made for such great family memories.

54. I love the mountains. David once joked that my children will never get to see the beach.

55. I love jewelry, but I don't use most of what I have because I wear the same rings and necklace almost every day.

56. I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but the most fun I had at the movies this summer was seeing Sex and the City 2 with the girls in Uruguay. We were like the only ones in the theater laughing.

57. I have only four plates and four bowls, but I have about 10 mugs already. It's a problem I inherited from my parents.

58. It's really hard for me to imagine living in the same city as Anna, but not living with her.

59. I love picking out men's clothes, especially dress clothes.

60. I LOVE flowers, but I've never had a favorite.

61. I miss performing on stage so much.

62. I've recently discovered that I enjoy running...though I'm not terribly good at it.

63. My family went to DC when I was in 6th grade and my dad got us a limo for a day just for fun. It was such a great memory.

64. Being a camp counselor last summer was one of the greatest blessings of my life.

65. I love fruit. It's my favorite snack.

66. I also love pretzels without salt.

67. I can't watch TV without doing something else.

68. I know I shouldn't, but I love watching "The Bachelorette."

69. I HATE mayonnaise.

70. In elementary school, I hung a sheet in my closet and made it my clubhouse.

71. I love sunflowers.

72. I miss Peter Jennings.

73. I compulsively lock doors behind me. I often lock my family out when they come in behind me, without remembering it.

74. I have never seen a Pixar movie I didn't love.

75. I'm terrified of drowning.

76. I was quite the song writer when I was young. I wrote one about Christmas and one about how much I love my grandparents.

77. I don't like to microwave things if I can help it.

78. When my family went on a cruise, my dad made a scavenger hunt for me and my cousins and we went all over the boat taking pictures.

79. For a year after my 7th grade trip I was determined to live in New York City.

80. I love that my mom took a million and one pictures of us when we were little, even though I didn't appreciate it at the time.

81. My family has always done birthday breakfasts in bed. It's one of my favorite traditions.

82. When I found out the Bride's cake is always white, I decided it was incredibly unfair and swore mine would be chocolate.

83. I'm not very good at returning texts.

84. I can't wait to read "Good Night Moon" and "Where the Wild Things Are" to my kids.

85. I used to think I wanted to leave Texas, but the longer I'm here, the more I love it.

86. I love taking my weekly walks with Krysta.

87. When my dad started working 24 shifts in the ER, I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry because he wasn't there.

88. I love painting walls. I can't wait to paint my own house.

89. I bought a mac my senior year of high school and I will never buy a PC again.

90. I love the idea of bathrobes, but I never seem to use one when I have it.

91. My new favorite salad is from Potbelly.

92. I do not care for Sara Palin.

93. On that note, I consider myself socially liberal and economically conservative so.... I've made my peace with the fact that really no politicians completely agree with me.

94. I love the idea of "Breakfast at Tiffany's" even more than I actually like the movie.

95. The night I told David I didn't want to date him, he promised we could still be friends and then stayed up with me watching "You've Got Mail" when all our other friends bailed on us. I was impressed.

96. I'm trying not to buy things Made In China if I can help it. It's all but impossible.

97. I'm recently obsessed with weddings. I love them.

98. I love buying new school supplies. I'm so excited I get to go get some soon.

99. I've started eating more natural, less processed food. Especially since I can finally cook for myself again.

100. I can never keep up with finger nail polish. It always looks chipped.

Bienvenidos a Uruguay

2010-06-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

Well, we're here. And this is what I've learned so far:

-Hablo is spelled with an "H"

-If you want to sleep on your ten hour flight, don't sit next to David Kempe

-People in Uruguay don't hug much, they do however kiss everyone on the cheek

-Time doesn't work the same way... as in our "2 hour" job

easily lasted 4 and a half

-Mate, this tea drink here, is delicious and EVERYONE carries it around with them. It's like Uruguayan Starbucks

-I really, really, really like my iphone and I can't wait till I can use it again

-It isn't much use learning how to ask where something is, if you can't understand the answer

-Lasagna can be made with ham and mozzarella... and without tomatoes

-Packing "light" is a terrible idea. I will never do it again. I forgot so much. Next time I'm making my usual two page list and bringing everything I think I might, maybe need.

It's been an interesting few days. We visited the medical school and the University Hospital which I'll write about soon. It needs its own post.

We also went to church this morning then ate with the youth at Casa. Church was difficult since I couldn't understand anything except Senor, Dios, and Jesus, so I read my Greek NT (because I forgot my English bible.....) But eating with the youth was so much fun. Despite the fact that I had to ask someone to translate for me every time someone spoke to me. :)

Museo Blane

The girls at the beach

The Cathedral

The Central Cemetario

Open crypt....

Facultad de Medecina
(The Medical School)

I have also discovered that I love home far too much to be away for months at a time....I'm already homesick, how sad is that? It doesn't help that Anna's graduation was yesterday and I desperately wanted to be there. I also haven't been sleeping well. I don't know if it's the stress or the awful pillows or what but I'm seriously considering loading up on the Tylenol PM tonight. Hasta luego! :)

In your love, my salvation lies in your love.

2010-04-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

I've recently started watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution and it's such an awesome show. It makes me so excited to start cooking for myself again and making healthy food.

Speaking of, I get to move into my house in one month!! I can not wait. I never really appreciated having a kitchen and a living room and my own bedroom before college, but I don't think I will ever take them for granted again. I am so tired of living in a dorm. I'm already planning all the decorating I plan to do. :)

I wish I had some pictures from Easter, but I never really got around to taking pictures. It was my first holiday without my family and I missed them, but I had so much fun with David's family. I really just adore them. I got to relax and sleep in a lot which was exactly what I needed after one of the most stressful weeks of my life.

Speaking of David,

We have now been together six months as of yesterday. Quite a milestone for me, considering my longest relationship prior to this didn't last a month. Haha. I really adore that boy. :)

Lastly, I finally finished editing all of the Heflin's pictures and I wanted to share a couple with you. I just love this precious family and it was a joy to spend the afternoon with them and photograph their beautiful moments.

"But sister you know I'm so weary

And you know sister

My heart's been broken

Sometimes, sometimes

My mind is too strong to carry on

Too strong to carry on

When I am alone

When I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone

When I've lost all care for the things I own

That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you

You who are my home

And here is what I know now

Here is what I know now

Goes like this..

In your love, my salvation lies

In your love."

-Alexi Murdoch

Con permiso...not compromiso

2010-03-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

Guatemala was such a blessing. I couldn't have asked for a more refreshing week. More to come later, but here's a sneak preview.

Let's try this again... :)

2010-03-01T14:59:00.000-08:00

I'm back! After...7 months? Haha. I don't think Blogging is really for me. I'm sure one day I'll realize this and give up, but for now I'm gonna try again. :)

So what's happened since my last post? I...

*started my Sophomore year of college (began Greek and Organic Chem)

*found myself a wonderful boyfriend

*went to Chicago to visit one of my best friends from high school and her now fiance

*observed a brain surgery

*got to meet my beautiful...2nd cousin? or cousin once removed? I don't know but he's precious

*gave a boy I was not related to a gift for the first time (a little traumatic for me, I'm not gonna lie)

*started helping out with the 8th grade class at Highland

*got my first B in college :(

*went to Tulsa to visit David's family

*celebrated the most wonderful time of year :D

*went skiing twice (Colorado and New Mexico)

*experienced snow in Abilene...5 times??

*got a job

*turned 20

*performed in Sing Song

*& began reading 12 new books...completed 7 of them...which is actually a pretty good record for me :)

I think that's a pretty good summary.

School's busy as always but classes are generally good and thankfully spring break is coming up in a couple of weeks! I'll be going to Guatemala, which I've kinda been on the fence about but I'm looking forward to it. If all goes according to plan, you'll be hearing all about in soon.

Saturday, I took pictures of the beautiful Heflin family because Karen wanted some maternity pictures before their fourth little girl arrived. I was very honored, but even more nervous since I'd never done something like that before. I'll post some pictures once I've edited them.

Also, I found out today, I will officially be spending half my summer studying in Uraguay!! :D

I said I would go

2009-08-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

"Some of the work in repairing the world is grim. Much of it is not. Hope not only meets despair in equal measure. It drowns it."

That is my favorite quote so far in the book I've just started reading: Six Months in Sudan. It's the story of a young doctor working in a war-torn village in Sudan...or so says the book jacket. I haven't been so drawn in by a book in awhile. At least not like this. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's because I have claimed that I want to live the memoir laid out in its pages. Maybe it's because it presents a world in such sharp reality that is irreconcilable with my own experiences....

"This is what happens if you are a Dinka child, say thirteen months old, and you have around your waist a circle of beads looped twice, like Aweil's beads except some of yours are blue, and you are naked except for these beads and lying on the cracked plastic bed in the small emergancy room of Abyei's only hospital at ten at night surrounded by your mother, your father, a nurse, and a midwife who is trying ineffectively to blow air into your small lungs with a face mask that is four sizes too big and lets all the air slip out of the sides, and the Canadian doctor arrives just in time to watch you take your last ten breaths, and then they stop and then you die. This is what happens."

And then I close the book and set it down beside me on the couch. I pick up the remote, flip off the tv since I'm not watching it anyway, take a sip of water and decide to exchange my jeans for pj's.

How is it possible for those lives to exist simultaneously? I try to imagine a future in which I am part of that world. I wonder if I really want to do that. To immerse myself in the suffering and injustice and indifference.... But I know that a life of naivete and selective reality is out of my reach. My eyes have been opened too much.

So where does that leave me? At 2:30 am on a Monday morning, sitting in bed under my patterned duvet, surrounded by a sea of littered possessions I have been too lazy to unpack properly. I guess it leaves me with a lot of work to do. And with my second favorite quote:

"Battle, every time, with everything you have. Do the best you can for the person in front of you...To the world it doesn't matter that much. Until you remember that it means the world to the patient. One exact world, bright and full of sounds, per person."

"Truthfully, the long way is easier, but it's longer."

2009-07-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

So that whole writing everyday thing went out the window pretty much immediately. So I'm gonna try to make it once a week. We'll see. I'm still trying to take pictures everyday....starting yesterday because the end of camp was just too crazy.

Tonight, I got a call from a good friend I hadn't seen in a while. He planned to pick up a mutual friend at the airport and wondered if I wanted to come along. And of course I did. So we met up at Starbucks and ended up talking for over two hours (Adolphus' flight was delayed). It is a rare gift to have a conversation filled with the presence of God but that's what I got tonight. We shared what the Lord had been doing in our lives and disussed grand unproven theologies of heaven. And God spoke to me tonight through those conversations; providing me with answers I didn't really want to hear. I know what I need to do, but I know it will be difficult to follow through. I need to spend time with my loving savior, allowing him to stengthen and guide me.

Not much going on these days now that I'm back at home. Though there's plenty going on in Houston where my oldest cousin just had her first baby. He's just precious and I can't wait to meet little Jude Thompson in person!

-Watching Big Fish: ♥

"A giant man can't have an ordinary sized life."

"Most things you consider evil or wicked are simply lonely."

"As it had always been, that love was my salvation."

So you like salad?

2009-07-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

Well I guess I'm officially a part of the blogosphere. Mazeltoff...how in the world is that spelled?...Emily and I decided to take a trip down memory lane the other night and looked up our old xangas. After reading posts about how 'I wuz 2 tyrd to wryt' I decided I would never have been friends with my 14 year old self. But still it reignited my desire to write about the day to day musings of my life. So I decided to upgrade to the grown up version.

I'm considering retrying my project where I take a picture for every day of the year, only this time I want to combine it with this here blog. Though I know myself so the probability of following it all the way through is slim to none so....we'll just see how long this lasts.

Tonight is the last night of my first summer as a camp counselor. I can't really decide if I'm ready to see it go. I'm certainly ready to be in my bed again and I'm looking forward to not being needed for a bit (if I didn't know it already, this summer certainly convinced that I am in no way ready for parenthood). But I'll miss my wacky, awkward, precious kiddos; particularly the middle school boy who called me a communist when I told him to find a seat.

Bob entertained the camp staff with his own correographed

rendition of 'El Paso'

Mallory led us in the kidnapping of Hailey's bike, Saratoga.

She then carried her up to the third floor and hid her in Hailey's shower.... This is a no prank camp....

I love this water bottle. Just ask my campers.

I probably love it more than it's ever appropriate

to care for an inanimate object.

These were the glasses we used for communion.

So of course we had to see how high a tower we could build.

This in no way captures the thrill of our all-girl pow wow.

They were listening attentively while Emily explained

'It's about to get rowdy'

Then we screemed till I felt like I'd never hear again.

All us girl staffers got dressed up for EverFit challenge day!

So of course we had to take some pictures.

(I'm the one in the middle with the tights)

When we went to take the picture every girl gathered

around and pulled out their cameras. Flashes were everywhere.

I felt like the Jonas Brothers with all those middle school girls.