symphony of whispers

"Go." He said.

"Lie down in the sea

beneath a bitter moon.

And wait.

Let the salty blankets of your bed

hold you still, wash

over your wounds.

And wait.

Until, by and by,

I return for you,

aching for you,

mad with want of you.

Then I may

worship the soaring sun

and caress the sweat

upon your skin.

Recalling that sweet summer day

until my need is spent,

and you slip back into the sea.

To wait.

Leaving only

a symphony of whispers

upon the shore."

the god of the mountain

One of my parents' dear friends is dying of brain cancer.

He found out this last spring and there isn't anything left to be done.

My mom and I took dinner to his family tonight.

We know that death is a part of life, is in many ways essential to life.

But you walk into their home, and see the man you know, your parents' friend, smart and kind and strong.

You see his shaved head and his frail body, hands shaking,

and his eyes, the sharpness almost gone, but still so full of kindness,

hear his whispered, earnest voice.

He asks how I'm doing. I return the question.

It seems like the wrong thing to ask, but what do you say? What words fill this?

You watch his wife, cleaning, cooking, selling his car,

carrying out the tasks of the everyday in the midst of such pain.

You see his boys, home for the holidays,

they're here till Saturday; they know they're here to say goodbye to their dad.

And here we are, strangers to them, witnesses to their grief,

carrying pot pie, Mark's favorite.

You see all this, and something breaks.

This isn't how it's supposed to go.

We lament the unfairness of it all,

even though death is perhaps the most fair thing in life.

We know it has to happen, but here? now? to these people?

We know somewhere deep that this isn't what we were meant for.

So what do we do with it? with the pain? the brokenness?

I leave their house, and walk down the steps to my car.

I hug my mom. I hold her. I tell her I love her.

Because what is death for if we do not remember that we have only so much life?

What is the purpose of the tearing away if it doesn't remind us that we should hold them while we can? That we are entitled to none of this. That all is a gift.

And we get in the car and we share tears and we sing How Great is Our God.

We remember that he is here with us. And with Mark. And with his family.

And my mom tells me that Mark had wanted to go to Colorado one last time,

had wanted to see the mountains again.

And I remember this quote, so dearly resonant:

For indeed it now feels not like going, but like going back.

All my life the God of the Mountain has been wooing me.

Oh look up once at least before the end and wish me joy.

I am going to my lover.

-C.S. Lewis

We are leaving Christmas.

The time of Joy to the World, Peace on Earth.

Joy and peace...so easy surrounded by family and twinkle lights.

May it be found in this as well.

above the ashes

After Paradise

Don’t run any more. Quiet. How softly it rains

On the roofs of the city. How perfect

All things are. Now, for the two of you

Waking up in a royal bed by a garret window.

For a man and a woman. For one plant divided

Into masculine and feminine which longed for each other.

Yes, this is my gift to you. Above the ashes

On a bitter, bitter earth. Above the subterranean

Echo of clamorings and vows. So that now at dawn

You must be attentive: the tilt of a head,

A hand with a comb, two faces in a mirror

Are only forever once, even if unremembered,

So that you watch what it is, though it fades away,

And are grateful every moment for your being.

Let that little park with greenish marble busts

In the pearl-gray light, under a summer drizzle,

Remain as it was when you opened the gate.

And the street of tall peeling porticos

Which this love of yours suddenly transformed.

by Czeslaw Milosz

This is my favorite poem. I want it read at my wedding someday. I read it for the first time this summer and was so taken with it that I wrote it down and framed it and it now hangs in my living room.

I love the way it demands rest, peace, attentiveness.

Don't run anymore. Be Quiet.

I have given you this gift of each other. You only have this one moment, so cherish it.

Because everything can change so quickly.

Thankful Wednesday

I am having a hard time being thankful right now. I'm stressed and really just sad and confused a lot of the time. So in honor of one of my favorite blogs mamamonk I'm making a thankful list.

• In two days, I will be done with classes. One week and four finals after that, this horrible semester will finally, finally be over.
• Since my parents are now in Abilene with me, I get to go over to their apartment and stay up studying with them which somehow seems so much nicer than studying in my house.
• Jimmy Stewart. I'm thankful for his voice and magnificent portrayal of George Bailey, and his general Jimmy-Stewartness.
• My wonderful roommate who listens to me talk and talk and talk because she knows I need that to process everything that's going on in my life right now.
• The Lewis' who invite us into their wonderful Christmasy home every Sunday and take care of us and make us feel loved.
• The beautiful softness of waking up to snow-yes, snow!-Monday morning. I know God probably didn't make it snow just for me, but maybe he did.
• I get to go home next week.
• I get to go home next week.
• I'll be done with school next week.
• This semester is almost over...in like a week.

And now I have to go back to studying Analytical Chemistry. I can make it.

What are we seeking?

I would like to start this posting by noting that I am purposefully posting this on a forum where I know very few people will see it. I have made sure it's not connected to my facebook and such. I am not trying to offend anyone; I just sometimes find it easier to let go of an issue after I write it out and, as Kathleen Kelly says, "I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void." So if this offends you, please stop reading.

Pledging season begins on my campus tonight, and this year, my little sister will be a pledge in one of my school's social clubs. This has been rather difficult for me to see, more so than I thought it would be. And I've been trying to sort through all of my emotions about it. I know that some of my hurt feelings come from simple rejection. And some come from petty jealousy that once again my sister was picked, and I was not. But I know those feelings aren't good. Nor are they Christian. And though it's hard to realize that the very girls who decided they did not want to get to know me will now be some of my sister's closest friends, I would never wish to deny my sister the right to join in this tradition just because I can't.

And yet, there are other feelings I have sitting in chapel looking around at all the people in their matching outfits that are completely impersonal. There is an uneasiness I feel about club that has little to do with me. I wonder about these organizations that call themselves Christian. (I am not criticizing the faith of any of the inidividuals. Many people I love dearly were in and are in club and I know that they take their faith very seriously, but I am speaking of the organization as a whole).

Can they really claim that their clubs actively live out the call of Christ? They have names like Alpha and Omega and Seek Through Christ. But what are they seeking? It seems to me that the primary goal of these groups is friendship and community. So is that what they're seeking? Are they searching for true friendship through the lens of Christ? Because I guess I feel like that community would look very different from the one I see in purple t-shirts walking around campus. Wouldn't a community centered on Christ seek out the outcasts and the losers and the shy people and the weirdos? I don't think Jesus's friends were ever classified as cool.

From the outside, and I admit I am an outsider, it seems that it is about friendship based on a whole host of factors that have nothing to do with Christ. From what I can tell, every fall a group of people get together in a room and pull up pictures of people they have had maybe one conversation with and they talk about whether or not they want to be friends with this person. I have no idea what goes into these conversations, but I know what comes out of them. A group of pretty, funny, out going girls who probably don't need any help finding friends. Is that what a Christian community looks like?

I don't really think so. Last summer I was talking to the kids in my youth group about what I love about church. And I said that the great thing about church is that it's the only place in our culture where you aren't supposed to get to pick your friends. I've heard it said that true community is always the place where your least favorite person lives. And that's what Christian community should be. Ideally it's where the entertainers hang out with the losers. And people who know all the latest fashion trends sit beside someone with a mullet who wears ratty t-shirts and crocs. And the wealthiest in society befriend those who will never make more than minimum wage. It's where they are brought together by a belief that supersedes all the superficial crap that our society cares about. When you seek community through Christ you wind up uncomfortable in a really good way. You love people you don't really want to talk to and you are loved by people you wouldn't normally pick.

This is why I have such a problem with clubs. They aren't about community. They are about exclusivity. Because let's face it, they wouldn't work if anyone was allowed to join. And they are about division. One guy talking about club said, "Our club is better than all the others because we don't walk around bashing other clubs and thinking we're better than them."...Does no one else hear the disconnect? It's all about who's better than who and who's in and who's not.

Now please don't get me wrong. I have several friends in club. There are good people almost everywhere and I'm not upset that I didn't get into one. I have loving friends and a great church and I love my life, but I feel for all the kids who heard the message this week that said, "You can seek through Christ with someone else, because we don't want you. You aren't good/nice/smart/pretty/outgoing/whatever enough." I have finally come to the place where I'm grateful I didn't get in. Because I have learned finally to accept who God has made me. I will never be good in a setting where I have to force a conversation with a whole bunch of people who I don't know with the sole purpose of impressing them. But I can share my life with teenagers one on one and let them know that I love them. And I can care for the people in my church. And I can try to love the people I come across the best I can.

I know that this post won't change anything, but I hope that one day we can become like the little girl in Max Lucado's children's book who wouldn't put labels on the people around her based on their performance and she wouldn't let their opinions stick to her, because she knew who's opinion she sought.

I will simply love.

Love is patient.

Love is kind...

Love is a cup of hot tea and warm conversation.

Love is holding your roommate when she wakes you up in the middle of the night.

Love is making time for lunch during the busiest time of the year.

Love is dropping everything to pick someone up.

Love is a new coat given for no reason.

Love is listening patiently to the same conversation 18 times.

Love is honesty even when it is hard to hear and hard to say.

Love is changing a lightbulb.

Love is a text just to let someone know they matter.

Love is an open office door.

Love is passing along a book.

Love is letting someone do the dishes.

Love is giving wisdom and advice.

Love is keeping your advice to yourself.

Love is buying yourself flowers.

Love is a hug and a smile and a held hand and a pat on the back and a kiss on the top of the head.

Love is coffee and a long drive.

Love is sharing your own story.

Love is listening to someone else's.

Love is a note of encouragement left in your mailbox.

Love is a cloud of witnesses and a blanket of prayer.

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

It does not envy. It does not boast.

It is not proud. It is not rude.

It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, it believes all things,

It hopes all things, it endures all things.

Love never falters.

Christmas Break

My favorite time of year has come and gone, full of joy, family, wonderful memories, good food, and even snow! :)

Right after we got back from school, we picked out our Christmas tree.

David, Anna, and I

Anna and I

He is such a goober. I love him.

Then we went to the Gaylord to see Charlie Brown in ICE!

This year we spent Christmas with my dad's side of the family. And it was just fabulously wonderful. We decided to forego family gifts and instead focus on games together. And aside from several members of my family (including me) being far too competitive, we had a great time.

One of the games we played in which we were given a jumbled mix of family events that we had to put in chronological order. It was so much harder than I though it would be (we didn't have a mom) but it was a lot of fun.

My cousin Jenny and precious little Jude. He got a horse from my grandparents and seemed to love it. He was just too cute.

Ultimately my team came in third, but we had so much fun. I blame it on the fact that I wasn't there for the Olympics portion of the activities. It was sadder than I thought it would be to miss it, but I got to spend some time with David's family so it was worth it. :)

I also got to spend some time in Tulsa.

Everyone hanging out after dinner.

David's precious grandparents with Cooper, their one year old Great Pyrenees.

And to top off a great break, David and his mom made a surprise trip to Dallas yesterday. Even though I was going to see him this weekend anyway, it was really wonderful to see him. We got to go to dinner last night, eat dinner at Pappasito's with his mom tonight, and hang out with a good friend of mine from high school. It was quite a blessing.